By Karen Voss
August 9, 2013
At certain, unpredictable times, the music on my MP3 player chooses what it wants me to hear when I have it on shuffle. I believe it chooses based on what's happening in my heart and mind. On one Saturday afternoon, a couple of weeks ago, it played songs that have special meanings to me. I wrote the songs down in the order they played because I knew I could reflect on each of them at a later time.
It's been five years since the day I married my best friend. I miss him whole heartedly as he became an Angel in Heaven four months later. The first songs my MP3 player chose related to the wedding. "My Little Girl" by Tim McGraw, you may have heard it during the movie Flicka, but it's also the song I danced with my father during the father-daughter dance. I remember telling my father that the song would make him cry and it did.
The song, "One Friend" by Dan Seals played next. This song, Russ and I chose as our wedding song; it described our relationship like no other song could. I sang along as we danced. One of our guests said later that he didn't know what I had been telling Russ, but that we should hold on to that.
"Everywhere I Go" by Phil Vasser arrived on CD after Russ had passed away and it struck a chord with me. I have lots of memories of our time together and he's always with me. Everywhere I go he's with me. Just today he appeared by messing with my hair while I worked today. I thought the air rustled my hair, but when it happened again I knew who was playing with me. This brought back memories to when he would mess up my hair for the fun of it and we always laughed. He knew that today I needed to smile and it worked. Everywhere I go, I know that he's always on my shoulder looking out for me.
The next song to arrive in this grouping, "All My Life" by Linda Ronstandt and Aaron Neville. While the song wasn't part of the wedding, it tells how each of us waited our whole lives (his longer than mine due to our eight year age difference) to find the one person to capture each others hearts. I knew two weeks into our relationship that I loved him though he didn't find out until two months later. This was all so new to him that to reveal my heart too soon might spook him and I didn't want that.
The last song that revealed itself to me, moved me forward, past the time of the wedding and Russ's death. "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus tells of how I'm climbing to reach my dreams, my new steps in life, moving forward past tragedy as hard as it may seem. I didn't know what life entailed for my future, but since then I discovered my passion for writing. It's part of my job now to help others to move forward after tragedy whether it's a result from any tragedy where life ended too soon and that includes suicide. It takes one step in front of the other to start to rebuild your life after it falls apart.
Yes, I do believe the music picked the songs my mind and my heart needed to hear to open up a channel of built up emotions housing tears that needed releasing. The past 5 years have been a roller coaster at times and others smooth sailings. No matter what life reveals to me, there will always be a song that reflects how I'm feeling.