by Wendy Kay
Twenty-eight years ago, I found that my life didn’t make sense. I
realized that making money, working a job I could be “proud” of, being
in a relationship, staying on the right side of the law and yadda-yadda
according to what family and “society” had led me to believe was going
to make for a happy life, wasn’t making me happy at all. In fact, one
day I found myself wondering what was wrong with me and if I was going
So I finally turned to God, as I understood my “religious” God, after
a six year span of abandonment on my part because of a couple prayers
that weren’t answered the way I had begged them to be, and said, “Help
me. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to live like this and I don’t
know anything else.”
I’d tried to become a “conformer” at age 20, to what I thought
society said was the way. This was after many years as a rebellion to
the “norm” and a cycle of self-destruction throughout all of my teen
years. And now all I did at twenty was trade one compulsion for another –
The interesting thing about compulsion/addiction, is that it’s a mindless way of trying to get your need for feeling good
met – or an attempt to at least eliminate, or temporarily subside,
feeling bad or to stop feeling completely for a bit. And it works…..for a
In my younger days, I tried drugs and alcohol for 7 or 8 years, then
work here and there, food for a year or two, even sex and relationships.
Ugh – the search was exhausting! And, admittedly, I’ll still fall into
work once in a while when I get “caught up” and not taking care of
myself – it serves as a temporary “worthiness” escape when I forget
what’s really important and begin to focus on what isn’t.
Well, thankfully, God the Universe answered my plea for help. And
through a reunion with my father after 17 years, as a last ditch effort
in hopes to restore my sanity (which I could only remember from ages 4
and 5), I was introduced to the 12-Step groups that he had been a part
of for 5 years at that time. And gratefully, that was the beginning of
my spiritual journey.
After a 4-day visit to Kentucky where my father lived, I left with
one thing…”Turn it over.” Turn it over? What does that mean? To Who?! To
God?! God abandon me, I thought. God does for those who do for
themselves I thought, so what good is it, I thought. But I was
desperate. I didn’t know anything any more, and these people seemed
really nice and caring. So on the way home to Wisconsin, I spoke to God,
unsure if I was being heard.
I said, “I don’t know if you’re really there, or if you can even hear
me. So before I go wasting any time trying to turn anything over,
strike me with lightening if you have to, but I want you to prove to me
that you’re (t)here.” And nothing…..for about 3 or 4 hours.
Then, as I drove through the city of my favorite skyline (Chicago),
at the best time to see all the lights against the dark background, it
happened. It was 10:30pm. Driving on the interstate, just approaching
the magnificent view of the city at night, I was no longer watching the
road, but the beauty before me instead. I love the glimmering of the
lights on all of the tall buildings with the moon and stars as the
backdrop – it always gives me a great feeling just to be in the midst of
it all. So what could have made this even more spectacular? It was the
shooting star through the atmosphere, across the beauty of the skyline.
It was such an exhilarating event, that I knew it had to be my sign. And
so the faith began to expand.
Although I’ve spent many years referring to my experience of
spirit/soul/oneness/inter-dependence (or expression) as a journey, I’ve
come to realize that it’s truly an expansion of spirit that’s taking
place as an evolution of allowing the spirit to express through my
physical experience. And that the mind acts as the gatekeeper to allow
the awareness of connectedness, or keep me from it. So it is very
important for me to accept the truth that I am in control of what my
mind thinks about.
Now after 28 years of sporadic catapults into further expansion, I
recently realized a trend in these leaps that have occurred, bringing me
to the next levels of greater spiritual awareness, faith and
allowingness of expansion that result in the understanding of continued
purpose, peace and joy that I’ve consistently sought throughout my
lifetime. It was there in the very beginning, and continues to reveal
itself to me in a variety of fresh new ways. Because, evidently, being
human is to frequently, or at least occasionally, get caught up when you
Fortunately, I’ve spent enough time practicing spiritual principles
to know that I can feel better whenever I choose. It’s just always so
bewildering to me still that I continue to return to the places of
getting caught up and back to self-reliance and eventually end up
sitting alone in a state of confusion asking “What do I need to do now?”
And the answer is always the same.
And the ANSWER is always the same. The answer is ALWAYS the same.
And the ANSWER IS: I have to let something go. I have to let go of
something that isn’t serving me. I have to let go of a thought that
isn’t serving me. Whether the thought is about something that coulda,
shoulda happened, or that I need to be further along with something, or
better at something, or I deserve something more right now, or someone
else isn’t doing what I think they should be, or I’m observing a lack
rather than being grateful for having everything I need in this moment.
Ugh – again, exhausting … and fruitless!
(This post has become so long, I will elaborate on the solution more in a Part 2: A Spiritual Journey: Letting Go)