Dear Diary 5.20.2013

I was having dinner with a friend the other day, when we started telling stories of our lives. We laughed and cried and offered each other presence and compassion. It was so healing. Sitting there, sharing with her all night, really brought home the reasons why we share our stories, why we talk to a therapist, why we talk at all. It's to balance to our soul, to bring healing to our wounds and to help others to do the same. I write a column on this blog called AngelSpeaK and it's all about my messages from the Angels. I had been thinking about writing one to share my life stories. It seems like now is a great time to start. I'll share some stories and I'd like to invite you to share too. We can be healers for each other. You can even be anonymous if you like. Let's hold each others' stories in Love and Light and let the Healing happen. - Deborah Lighthart

Dear Diary,

Over the past 2-3 years I've noticed myself feeling wounded and frustrated with people I've been close to because they've done things that have been hurtful, yet have been completely unaware of the hurtfulness of their actions. I've been really struggling with what this lesson could be about for me, since it keeps resurfacing over and over again. In different forms with different faces.

At first, I thought maybe I just needed to practice forgiveness, so I do. Daily. Several times a day actually. And I will continue to do that. But for this same lesson to continue surfacing in so many different ways, I kept feeling like there must be something more. So, I've chosen to incorporate more acceptance in my life. You see, I was holding all of these people to the same standards of honesty, integrity and self-awareness that I practice, which is extremely high, considerably higher than most people. I expect darn near perfection from myself and  though I don't expect others to be perfect, I have a low tolerance for people lying to me, cheating me, stealing from me, yelling at me, manipulating me, using me, etc etc.

I know from my spiritual work that anything I disconnect from within myself will surface in the world around me. So, perhaps I am disconnecting from my own human expression in some way. Maybe I am somehow dis-honoring myself by not allowing myself do things that I know would/could hurt someone else.... Maybe I am overstressing the need to be honest and authentic in all areas of my life.... Or maybe it is my wounded childhood that is replaying these patterns in my life, helping me to see the areas within myself where I need to stand up for myself better. I have never been very good at that. I have been practicing clearing up my boundaries in healthy ways for many years. I used to get angry and go into "victim mode," crying to my close friends about all of the injustice in my life. I still sometimes do, but when it happens, I try to shift gears into problem solving mode as quickly as I can.

So, to make peace with other people's hurtful behaviors, I am practicing boundary setting, forgiveness, acceptance, tolerance, awareness and just plain ole "don't throw the baby out with the bath water." I have a tendency to say, "Well this person is not even honest with himself, so he can never be honest with me, so let me get this guy of my life." or "This woman is completely manipulating me to get what she wants, so get rid of her." As I was doing that, I was pretty much disconnecting from everyone, because pretty much NO one else has the same level of awareness or pureness in action that I do. Other people don't spend every minute of every day trying to evolve every aspect of themselves, they just live. They just do what they do and maybe I should too.

Maybe, I need to make peace with their imperfection and maybe I need to let myself have some too. I'm not saying that I plan to go out and lie to all the people who lie to me, or steal from all those who steal from me, but maybe if someone treats me badly, maybe it is ok if I don't always take the super ultra high road every time. Maybe I don't have to lovingly allow them to walk all over me... Maybe I can let myself play my human role and just be human sometimes.

Well, diary, thanks for listening. I'll keep working on all this stuff and maybe one day, I'll get it straight. LOL.