If you have a few minutes and could use a good laugh, here’s my story of “Me & Jeremy Piven”
Starting at the beginning… I didn’t know a whole lot about Jeremy Piven, other than he plays Ari Gould on “Entourage” and his character is absolutely hysterical. He does an amazing job in that role, but I didn’t know much else about him, then I have this dream….
In my dream I am walking along like some sort of nature path and I bump into Jeremy Piven. I don’t really expect him to talk to me, but he walks over & starts chatting. I think to myself how down-to-earth this guy is, to just stop & talk with me. So, me & Jeremy Piven are hangin’ out like we’re buddies. The conversation is quite comfortable and I’m thinking that he is a really interesting person. Then I look down & realize I am eating a klondike bar. I’m trying to hide it in my hand and take the bites while he’s not looking, because like who wants to be wasting time eating a klondike bar when they are talking to Jeremy Piven?? Plus, I’m sure he doesn’t even eat klondike bars, he’s all famous & everything. He probably only eats sushi or something. I’m sure he’d be completely grossed out if he saw that I was nom-nomming away while we were talking. So, I continue to hide it and thankfully, he doesn’t seem to notice. Then, as our conversation is coming to a close, he starts leaning forward to kiss me. OMG!!! Jeremy Piven is going to kiss me & my mouth is all full of ice cream!
What am I going to do? I can’t wipe my face because then it will be totally obvious to him that I was secretly consuming the Klondike, it will ruin the moment and then I’ll have to drum up a whole 2nd dream about him to get kissed. WTF??? He is getting closer & closer and the energy is building stronger & stronger. It feels like all the cells in my body are about to vibrate into oblivion. He gently bends over and places his kiss on my cheek. As his lips touch me, it feels like 1000 Angels are pouring heavenly bliss into my face. It’s incredibly magical & beautiful and just WOW! It feels so insane that I forget that I was even embarassed over the klondike.
I woke up from that dream feeling like HEAVEN! And since then have developed a little bit of a celebrity crush on him. Nothing big, but in my mind, Jeremy Piven=The Kiss of 1000 Angels. I don’t have an obsession or anything, but I do happen to occassionally follow him on twitter. My kids & my ex-husband tease me about lusting after him. Like my oldest daughter rented me “The Goods- Live Hard, Sell Hard”. My ex bought me a couple seasons of “Entourage” for my birthday. There are random little jokes around the house about my crush on him, but it’s not a big deal. Just another thing for the people I love to tease me about.
So, I log onto twitter to update my status yesterday and I notice that Jeremy Piven lost his ipod. I tell my oldest daughter about it & then she shares this story about some random guy who twittered to Jeremy Piven about how Ari Gould lost points by doing some thing (who cares what) and that Jeremy Piven wrote back to him saying that Ari is a character he plays, not really him…. whatever else she said I can’t remember because the only thing I heard was that a random guy wrote to Jeremy Piven and that Jeremy Piven wrote back.
I said to her, “Wait a minute, so like a random person could write to Jeremy Piven on twitter and he would get the message?”
She says, “Yes.”
I say, “Ok, so like, I could write to Jeremy Piven right now on twitter and he would get the message?”
She says, “Yes.”
I say, “So, he doesn’t have to be following ME in order for me to message him? I could just write a message to Jeremy Piven even if he is NOT following me and he will get it?”
She says, “Yes.”
Then she asks me, “Mom, are you crying like the little Justin Bieber girl?”
Ok, I was kinda crying like the little girl whose youtube video went viral because she was crying for Justin Bieber, then the phone rings and she stops crying because she thinks it’s him. But I’m 41 years old and have no business crying over a celebrity, so I’m like, “No, I’m not crying.” I hide the tears like I hid the klondike bar. I am pretty sure I am only feeling this emotional because I am fasting and when I’m fasting, I am an emotional basket case, but the reality is that I was only a few clicks away from pursuing my “kiss of 1000 Angels” and that was a pretty incredible feeling.
My daughter asks me several times throughout the day if I plan to write to him and I tell her, “I can’t just write to Jeremy Piven. I mean, I will write to Jeremy Piven some day, but I have to think of just the right thing to say. I can’t just write any old thing like we’re buddies, cuz that was only true in my dream.” I ask her to show me how to do it, so when I’m ready, I will know just what to do. I’m half joking/half serious. Maybe I will write some day, maybe I won’t. But either way, it’s nice to know that I can. So, she sits down with me to walk me through it.
My computer crashed, so I am using one a borrowed from a friend. It is set to automatically left-click anything that the cursor is left pointed at for more than a few seconds. We open up my twitter account and find Jeremy Piven’s page. She is showing me the options. There’s follow, unfollow, ignore & report for spam. I’m looking at his picture and talking about his adorableness and I’m like, “Yeah, but how do I message him?” Suddenly, I realize that the cursor is still sitting on the “Report for Spam” link. I rush my hand over there, but OF COURSE I was a fraction of a second too late and the link went through so…. Yes, you guessed it. I JUST REPORTED JEREMY PIVEN TO TWITTER AUTHORITIES FOR SPAM!!!
OMG!!! Now, Jeremy Piven will hate me! He’s not gonna fly to Wisconsin & give me my magical kiss after I reported him for spam! My daughter says, “Don’t worry Mom, he will never know it was you.” I said, “What, are you kidding?? He’s Jeremy Piven! He’s gonna see that someone reported him for spam and he’s gonna reach for his phone and be like, ‘Yeah, Twitter, it’s me, Jeremy. I see someone reported me for spam. Who was it?’ And they will tell him and he’ll block me and when I write he’ll have that all blocked too. No note. No kiss. No nothing! Now, I just get to go down in history as the crazy woman from Wisconsin who reported Jeremy Piven for twitter spam. I’m sure he has millions of followers, but I bet he’s never once been reported for spam.
So, my dilemma now is, do I twitter message Jeremy Piven and apologize? Or do I just message him & pretend like it never happened?